Atrapos.eu » Personal Process

It is getting real…

atrapos — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 20:04:26 +0000

The viva date is set and is approaching…i have been reading my thesis so that i am ‘in touch’ with it and taking some notes. I am feeling calm and rather stoic about it, i am aware that there will be an expected ammount of nervousness the couple of days before and on the day and am accepting about it…however, i would say that i am feeling confident – whatever will be, will be as the song says – and i have the sense that things will go well, meaning fair. I met with my supervisor yesterday and he is quite confident about my ability to deal well with ‘defending’ my work, we were laughing at some point about the fact that i seem calm about it, i said: “I wonder whether i shall be more stressed” . I feel that i have given to this PhD all i had to give, the process unfolded with me being deeply in touch with myself and i think that i offered the best i could, at least based on what i understood at a ‘conscious’ level. I am anticipating that the ‘ritual’ of the viva will be something that i can even enjoy…so, am keeping positive

…delivered…

atrapos — Sun, 23 May 2010 12:42:45 +0000

It is a unique day today…after a couple of months that have been full with hectic work, physical illness and processes that i cannot voice in this blog, i have finally managed to ‘deliver’ this ‘baby thesis’…after a ‘pregnancy’ that lasted 4 years! I printed the first final copy today, in the next couple of days i have to print another 2 copies of 314 pages each, do the binding, attend an appointment for electronic submission and then do the final ‘hard copy’ submission at University…it all feels a bit unreal and strange…i feel a sense of relief as well as bit of fear about what lies ahead, not necessarily academically speaking, but more around my life, especially the shifts of identity that occured due to the phd process…let’s see what happens…viva will be around mid-july…the journey continues

busy,busy,busy…but seeing more clearly ahead!

atrapos — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 14:00:43 +0000

am very busy with so many things these days and time flies so quikly! PhD writing is still hard but am making some progress, the more i go into it the more i discover. A shift that has happened now that i am writing the Discussion chapter, which feels like the hardest so far, is that i start identifying and seeing more clearly the useful practical implications emerging from my research, aside making a great contribution to knowledge/Literature on a topic where literature is actually limited or too fragmented….so, over last weekend and during this week, i have been contemplating on the different ways i can generate work for me, after the PhD, and offer a lot of what comes out in my research and personal experience in the form or workshops, training material, writing papers and so on…that filled me with feelings of both excitement and fear, like it usually happens when one finds his/her niche or calling of what he/she can contribute to, out there, where there is a need….the important thing is to stay grounded with what i have to complete in the present, whilst taking steps (maybe i can dedicate one day a week in planning and organising material for my future career possibilities, once i complete the PhD) towards what i want to build upon, as a basis for the future step…part of me is in the present, part in the future, i need to keep a balance and use my energy resources wisely. I am aware that i feel physically, emotionally and intelectually tired so, looking after myself is crucial at this stage.

further ‘transitions’…

atrapos — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 21:17:39 +0000

As stated previously, i rarely write in this blog now as i am so absorbed in thesis-writing…but i see this space as a virtual anchor for the research process and myself as writer/researcher so i enjoy sending a post, as and when…i am struggling with various waves of procrastination but am also feeling increasingly restless about completing this PhD, which is such good sign, it has to be done! I feel physically, emotionaly and intellectually tired by the process although i have load of moments of excitement when i realise the significance of my research, as i write, even if writinf feels painful…i really want to complete this research in terms of academic requirements and pass my viva and then, be free to write and work at my own pace, going with the flow and mood of my creativity. I feel i am in a new transitional pahse, although there is still a lot of writing to do in the next few months…it is the transition towards completion, parallel to all other things that take place in my personal and work life that make the whole thing slower…but…i need a balance…and although it is only just after 10 on a Saturday night, am going to sleep…my mind needs rest..zzzzz

‘the penny dropped’…but, time is needed for the new mode

atrapos — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 12:43:53 +0000

I have started working on the Discussion chapter this week, trying to be more focused. I have not been sure where to start from and how to flow in my thinking since the meaning-making process is still taking place, it is not crystallised yet…maybe it can’t be. I write in a ‘patchwork’ sort of mode, a few paragraphs here and there, without cohesion at first, just trying to put some ideas on paper when they come in my mind and think of some headings for this chapter etc etc. I realise that there is a shift in my mode of being and thinking: so far, the research has been mostly ‘doing things to me’. Now that i have to discuss my research and find ways of expressing my ‘contribution to knowledge’ as a result of doing it, it is me that needs to take a more active role (not that i have been any passive but my immersion has had huge impact in my lived experience)….now it is me that needs to make an impact, to find the gems of what i have been exploring and looking for, like when one finds the ‘diamond’ in the mud and work needs to be done to bring it out, it all its shining…so, having realised that new way of needing to approachmy writing now, ‘the penny dropped’ in some way…but, there is yet another transition taking place in that shift, it is yet another liminal space and am IN it now…things sometimes feel as if one is trying to ‘catch water in a net’…i trust that i will find a flow for this chapter too, i keep going…keep walking…the journey continues…

Reading Hertz (1997) & reflecting on ‘my story’ chapter

atrapos — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 22:46:12 +0000

It is a few weeks now that i have been trying to write a chapter that i will place before the methodology one in my Thesis, where i present ‘my own story’ in relation to how it links to the PhD topic, given that i am very much ‘data’ of what i am researching and my lived experience of the inquiry is inevitably influencing all the stages of the research process, from chosing the topic itself to my interaction and meaning-making of the data and the writing style. I find this a difficult section to write, i start and stop and find myself facing numerous decisions around who am i writing what for, how far do i go with self-disclosure and what are the motives around that, what is relevant and what is not and so on. (more…)

From ‘no home’ to ‘two homes’…gradually finding ‘home’ inside

atrapos — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:08:37 +0000

It was 5th September 2001 when i first arrived to the UK, it is 7 years ago like today that i flew from Athens to Manchester and took my first ’step’ on the new land and the whole new journey of my life…here i am with the magic number 7 again, it feels as if a cycle gets complete and a new beginning is being made; in that, i find a significant inner process taking place in terms of my relationship with my original and host cultures and the sense of ‘home’ inside…One of the most challenging feelings I have been struggling with since i emigrated has been the sense of non-belonging anywhere, an awkward feeling of alienation towards my original culture, Greece and a draining feeling of battle around what i have been feeling that the host british culture has provoked in me as a result of finding myself in a ‘foreign land’. It is a long time now now that i have been talking around both the positive and difficult aspects of the experience of moving between cultures, without actually finding peace within them. But now, it is such a feeling of relief to be realising that, actually, something has changed…and i see that this is a result of undertaking this PhD project where i have neen wrestling for so long with this very phenomenon of the impact of immigration on identity (and having the counselling/psychotherapy perspective to be giving me a frame towards discovering a meaningful narrative around it) (more…)

Doing a PhD feels like driving a van…

atrapos — Sat, 31 May 2008 10:40:12 +0000

I was walking down the road yesterday morning and i met a friend. she asked me: “so, how is the PhD going?”…I paused for a bit to think of how i could capture the sense i have at the moment and replied by saying: “well, it feels like driving a van. It is huge, needs a lot of manoeuvring and you dont have a clear sense of its ‘body’, you dont have visibility of the edges of the vehicle, just a general sense of it but still you keep driving, turning, accelerating, pushing the brakes, looking at mirrors and constantly loading and off-loading”. My friend looked at me and said: “wow, this is such a demonstrative metaphor…i once applied for a PhD too but eventually didnt start cause i was scared it would take over my life”. I responded by saying: “well, it does, at least at some point, it needs your full attention…like when you are on the wheel…but you become experienced driver as the time passes and more confident on the road”.

Thinking about this metaphor…I must admit that i have always been a good driver. I gained my license since i was about 19 and i have driven in both sides (left and right) without EVER having any accident. I was also told that i look confident on the wheel and people have felt comfortable when riding togeher…but i have only driven small cars so far…not a van! and i dont think i look like a big guy with a moustache and tatoos, with a cigar in my mouth like some van drivers i have seen….lol…well, here i am now though, with a PhD that does feel like trying to manoeuvre a big vehicle…and i do like i always did as a driver…keep driving, even if i felt a bit on edge at times…it then became automatic and natural…is that the same with a van? or will i eventually feel that it is not a van anymore but just my own vehicle that i will have known well and maybe had become the ‘extension of my body’ like i feel with a normal sized car?

Heuristic process, need for private space

atrapos — Thu, 29 May 2008 11:12:26 +0000

During the last couple of weeks, i have had some strong processes in terms of the research journey, i have been having vivid dreams and images that relate to the thesis and how i will write it, how it will lool like. I have noticed that this feels quite personal and i have avoided describing any of this in the blog, although it is ‘data’ that will go into the Thesis, i guess there are decisions to be made in terms of the extend of self-exposure i wish to make and at what stage of time. I had dreams about the methodology chapter and an image that describes it in an allegoric form. i have also written a poem that includes symbols, concepts and meanings of this process. In heuristic terms, it looks like i am moving between the illumination-explication-creative synthesis stages, as described by Moustakas(1990). To quote what seems to represent what is happening for me now, as a researcher:

“The process of illumination is one that occurs naturally when the researcher is open and receptive to tacit knowledge and intuition”(p. 29) – i do feel that i am quite intuitive at present, so some creativity is kicking in

in the creative synthesis phase, the components of what is to be expressed “may be expressed as a poem, story, drawing, painting, or by some other creative form”(p.32) – i do feel i am in creative mode as i am examining the images in my dream, the poem i have written, my attempts to draw and express what is immanent

i will come back to the blog when it feel right…the Thesis is trying to get into some shape…it is like when a baby gets conceived and the organs/tissues develop and form week by week…

my dream about chapter writing

atrapos — Thu, 15 May 2008 15:26:25 +0000

I have been feeling frustrated lately cause time flies and i feel the need to start writing up pieces of the Thesis and have a sense of producing something which hasnt been possible till now a. cause am still in analysis stage and b.cause of my engagement with the topic that often leeds to enmeshment that doesnt help with writing up. However, i had a dream last week where my supervisor was advising me to start writing up the Methodology Chapter, parallel to working on transcripts. We had supervision yesterday and we tried to see what this chapter would include. what we came up with as possible subheadings is: (more…)

State of ‘enmeshment’…and growing out of it (heuristic process notes)

atrapos — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 13:07:11 +0000

After spending months of conducting research interviews, reading,’presenting at audiences, discussing about my topic etc, there is a ‘next’ stage now awaiting in the PhD process that has to do with ongoing data analysis, reading, organising writing etc…and what i experience is a deep feeling of ‘enmeshment’, both emotionally and practically speaking. On the one hand i see that this is a ‘normal’ ( i.e. expected) place to be at this stage due to the size of the whole Thesis thing but i also know there is so much more that is going on for me, which has to do with the ‘nature’ of the topic itself and the dynamics it brings up as well as my personal involvement with the ‘meanings’ and dimensions inherent in it. I can observe that in comparison to months ago, i have developed some ‘resilience’ in terms of being able to ’stay’ and bear those feelings that the PhD topic is raising. But, no matter how difficult or challenging those feelings are, i still need to produce text in the end of the day and give birth to a Thesis that is coherent, rigorous and contributes to the pool of knowledge and sound practice in some ways, a Thesis that engages the reader and can stand rigorously and scholarly enough as a PhD piece. (more…)

The hidden ‘politics’ of my PhD topic…holding my ancestors/family tears

atrapos — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 19:33:53 +0000

It is Good Friday today (at least for the Catholic parts of the world…the Greek/Orthodox fellows will celebrate Jesus victory over death about a month later…) and it has been a quite emotional week, in terms of being encountered by ’synchronistic’ incidents and conversations that reveal the underlying ‘political’ dimension of my PhD topic. As i am talking about cultures and mobility, i see that there is so much we carry from our histories, some of whihc still present, and they operate at an unconscious level at least very powerfully. And as my supervisor puts it in one of his writings: “I do know from my psychodynamics in families that some children do carry unresolved psychological material from their families and end up wrestling with problems that don’t really belong to them” (West, 2006 – The Friend’s Quarterly). This statement seems to expand to national and collective dimensions aslo, especially when certain countries have suffered a lot of violation and trauma that appears to be carried through from generation to generation, often in very subtle ways. And of course, where all this eventually ‘belongs to’ is a whole different story, as in my eyes at least, we are all connected. And even when a specific experience is not directly lived by an individual, when it comes to national collective experience with huge impact, the psychological echoes can be very strong (more…)

‘like a tourist in one’s country’

atrapos — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 12:19:04 +0000

I went to the cinema last night and watched that amazing film, called THE KITE RUNNER by director Marc Forster, It was such a moving story in the context of war-divided Afghanistan who led to immigration of the protagonist etc etc. So much to say about teh plot, the actors, the photography, the music the messaged conveyed, the official site of the film can be viewed here

There is this scene in the film where the protagonist who moved to the US to escape the war returns to his hometomn Kabul, when destroyed by the Taliban etc and says this phrase: “I feel like a tourist in my own country”. This is something that is so vivid to most immigrants, specially those that were forced to migrate due to was and political atrocities. However, this feeling is not far from reality also for many who were not forced to migrate, like myself and many of the participants in my research who actually chose to move abroad… (more…)

counsellors and ‘belonging’

atrapos — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 09:30:42 +0000

A main theme is my research is the whole issue of ‘up-rootedness’ and belonging or not, as a result of having the experience of living outsied one’s original culture, or even in one’s own culture, in more existential and culture-related terms. This is something i deeply experience also, this sense of not belonging anywhere, this question of what is my place in the world, where home is, where i feel comfortable etc. It is as if many cultures live within me and in each geographical area i am in, with the cultural elements, attitudes etc it brings, some different feelings are triggered, around comfort or discomfort, belonging or non-belonging. My supervisor sent me this thought below today, which is not only reassuring but also explains something that is relevant to the professional choice of becoming a counsellor. He wrote:
“We are counsellors because we don’t belong, we live on the edge and potentially can then empathise with people from other cultures. That is the resource within us that could be taped into for cross cutlural work. The other resoruce is our (child like) curiosity of the Other”

So, i see two skills being crucial in cross-cultural work, amongst many others. Those are: the capacity to exist in liminal spaces, out of comfort zones and therefore empathise with this sense of disrupted ‘at home-ness’ and the other one is having a balanched curiosity.

Procrastination…

atrapos — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 15:36:11 +0000

I am at a stage into the research journey that i shall be really thinking about starting writing (even if it is drafts) and organising it…however, i encounter a huge tendency for procrastination, i am quite slow. It is the time that my creativity and flow shall kick in and instead of that, am rather regressing and avoiding the whole subject. Part of is muct be due to the fact that it is Christmas, am back in my ‘homeland’, staying at my parents’ house etc…so regression is literally happening! Besides that, am aware of how much the topic is personally challenging, although i do have fantasies around the writing of the Thesis chapters, it is a bit scary – i admit – having to produce such a long document that requires a lot of synthesis…it is like bearing a child and giving birth, it is a long process with its ups and downs. I am not a mother in real life but the Phd does feel like going through some kind of ‘motherhood’, i would say. I arranged to meet for a coffee with a dear friend who is a write and can maybe offer some support and understanding about the challenges of writing a script that is to come from so deep within…I also have a lot of reading to do that i am resisting at the moment. I was also thinking how important ot is to me to ‘create a home/office’ in order to write up the Thesis, literally speaking. With my mobile life between 2 countries and other travels in between, i do not have the sufficient ‘nesting’ to host my thoughts and inner process so that my writing can emerge. I need to do some practical changes in order to meet this need, some domestic kind of changes, for sure…i will be back, with some kind of architecture…

Supervision as ‘deus ex machina’

atrapos — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 22:34:21 +0000

It has been a while now that i have been feeling overwhelmed by the research process. I have been focusing on the data collection phase through conducting the research interviews, but didnt quite make the time to sit and look what i have collected, something that often makes me feel a bit ‘blur’ in relation to where am at with the PhD. It is time to stop for a bit and study the transcripts and do a bit of writing. Last week, i spent a good 2 hours with my supervisor sitting on the floor in his office with big sheets of paper, where we kind of mapped my Thesis. This felt helpful and supportive, i need to go back to those sheets of paper during the Christmas break and organise my thinking around it, in written form. I can see that i shall start producing ‘text’, even in draft form. I anticipate this to be a creative and maybe healing process, althouh not always easy to find the words for what am exploring. (more…)

Counsellor as a Chameleon

atrapos — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 19:35:21 +0000

A question i pose during my research interviews is inviting the participant to think of a metaphor/image that would describe them as therapists (what they have become as a result of moving between cultures/experiencing cross-cultural transitions etc). This is something that my supervisor advised me to do in order to invite more unconscious/tacit responses to emerge, as a way of unblocking certain experiences or feelings that may be difficult to be put into words. The metaphor of a Chameleon [means "Earth lion" and is derived from the Greek words chamai (on the ground, on the earth) and leon (lion)] is one that has come up often.

William has been writing a chapter about Pittu’s work and he came up with those relevant paragraphs, that also echo my personal experience, to some extent, he calls this section “Counsellor as Chameleon”: (more…)

the archetype of the ‘wounded healer’

atrapos — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 21:53:33 +0000

there is a fellow studnet in our PhD group who is researching the topic of the counsellor as the ‘wounded healer’. I agreed to participate in her research and we had an interview today. It was quite powerful for me i shall say, there was a lot of material from my own story that came in the surface. (more…)

old neighbourhoods…the meaning of ‘place’

atrapos — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 09:10:40 +0000

am up in Durham/Newcastle to conduct a few research interviews. am aware of feelig emotional being here, this place was the gateway to my immersion to the british culture. O completed teh most important part of my counselling training up here and gained a lot of practice experience…it feels as if i was ‘formed’ in this place, at least as a counsellor – there are many personal memories related to this location of course. I remember when i was living in Durham that i had a sense that maybe i was born here (in a past life! the scenery has nothing to do with my greek homeland landscape, neither has the culture)…am wondering around the MEANING OF PLACE…as related to identity, culture, sense of at home-ness. I can see that PLACE has a heavy/important significance for me personally, but not all people put the same emphasis on that. However, a greek therapist i interviewed yesterday (she has lived in the uk for 9 years and now planning to return to Greece) was telling me that when it comes to create her own home (her family), then place becomes significant, culture becomes significant. I can see this being particularly relevant to the Greeks….or is it relevant to cultures that have strong family values and then the connection to the land becomes extremely relevant? so many dimensions to the whole thing really, too subtle…i cant come to generalisations of course and am wondering how i can claim any ‘truths’ in my PhD thesis because of that…will see what comes up, the process is still cooking

The two languages within me (bi-lingualism)

atrapos — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 13:38:40 +0000

One of the themes that come out in my research is the use of a second language by those therapits that move to a host culture, including myself, and how this affect the relationship with one’s own mother tongue and generally how the two operate in the internal self-dialogue, inner space. I had an email conversation with a male friend who noted that i have the tendency to speak like an ‘academic’ often and not as a ‘woman/ person’, even when it is out of context. This lead me to reflect on my use of languages and i wrote an interesting response which hopefully describes some of this experience: (more…)