I went to a birthday party last night where there were a few students who either have recently completed theis Phds or are in the process of completing and had very fruitful conversations with them about the writing up process…none of them had finished within the original deadline and that was reassuring, especially for qualitative studies. we also talked about the important of self and time management and acknowledges that life events or health related issues do get on the way at times and it is good to be patient with that and allow oursleves for ‘recovery periods’ too. Hopefully i will find the specialist needed to treat my tooth as soon as possible, in the meantime am doing as much as i can, when the painkillers tame the toothache that causes headache too, and i see that ‘every little counts’ towards the end result of the thesis. I notice that i cant be away from it cause if i am losing touch then it is hard to get attuned with it again…so, am taking small steps at present and am sure that will conytibute to my working longer hours when i am stronger, i am positive that it will all go well, i was even telling to a colleague yesterday  that i  want to be coming towards ‘loving’ my thesis now, rather that be in a battle with it, due to the stress and the challenges it entails!

well….as i was getting really fresh and prepared to dive into getting on with writing my thesis, i am disrupted once again, how frustrating!!!! it is a week now (the first week of the new year) that i am in pain due to a terrible tooth problem that i now know that requires surgery – it will be a painful, costly and time-consuming procedure that is just messing up all my programme…i can’t work with such a headache! and i feel more stressed as all this takes me away from the deadlines i have set up for myself, in unpredicateble ways………..but what can i do?? a friend reminded me today that in the  end of the day, if i am not well and healthy, i can’t work…i have to accept it even if i dont like it and exercise patience without allowing the stress to take over…..writing the PhD is hard enough job to do, even if one is well….am just irritated cause i was now  getting into creative mode and i cant follow it really, when in physical pain….will see C. tomorrow for supervision at least – so, phd writing is now ‘on hold’….i am trying to do some reading, if i have clear mind, to keep in touch with it, at least…

It is Sunday and i have been sitting on my desk since early afternoon, continuing with writing a first draft of the methodology chapter. I am feeling quite stressed, as the more i write, the more i realise the size and blur areas of the research or what is still in process in my understandings. There is no other way forward than to ‘keep writing’ like one would just ‘ keep swimming’ if in the middle of the ocean, until the next rock or piece of land becomes visible…i see that from now on i have to work in more dedicated mode, with less holidays and less free time…the weekend is no ‘free’ period when doing a PhD, unless one is very well organised and with strict time or mood management. I find it impossible to discipline myself in such a way as i notice that for this piece of work, i need to be following the moods of inspiration and inner flow that are not that predictable. I have the discipline of sitting on my desk and reading and so on but the writing flow comes at its own mood and timing, and i am doing my best to be ‘attuned’ with that and stay creative. The blog writing is ‘on hold’ as my priority is the Thesis writing. so, the blog has a different function for now, helping me as an archive and reminder of the PhD process, my personal library that i use now to find useful quotes and extracts for my Thesis

I find myself feeling quite stressed out around oganising my time whilst having a a flow of thinking, reading and writing the thesis. I realy cannot believe how time flies so quickly and when i look what i have actually produced in terms of text, this is not much at all, although several PhD students that i have spoken with told me that they were at similar stage of productivity. I know that this is very much due to all i have been recovering from during the PhD years so far in my personal life and i know that to be really on time or manage the demands of what the PhD requires, I would need to have everything else more or less stable which was not at all and those events where beyond my control. So, in the light of this realisation i know that i shall be compassionate towards myself too. ..However, the truth is that PhD thesis writing needs to be the top priority now, even if other areas of my life that appear urgent too need to wait – simply cause the more i work on the PhD and the sooner i manage to complete it, the more clear space and time i will have for everything else.

Although i started working on the Findings chapter about a month ago, i figured out that it is very confusing and time consuming and it leaves me with the feeling that although i may be spending a whole day in front of the PC, not much gets complete (although i have completed just over 10.000 words). For this reason or cause i need to comfort my anxiety around having the sense that something IS actually getting done, i decided to engage with the literature again and try to  write the methodology chapter by the end of November. I will then have at least a chunk done (maximum 15.000 words). When talking to my supervisor today, we also kind of concluded that i need to writing about 8-10.000  words per month from now on, if it is to be able to hand in a first draft by the summer, at least! This feels daunting and i do not feel that  the heuristic process i am going through can be really forced…but then, I need to do what i can and evaluate maybe a bit later the quality of it, given the challenges of the topic and methodology