As i put together the final draft of my thesis, i can have a clearer vision of the research as a whole. And, in doing so, the inconsistencies or new insights come to the fore, in relation to the heuristic process. I feel unwilling to put the details of my insights in public sight as i am still processing them and reserving them for the ‘baby thesis’  that is preparing to be born…therefore, my silence continues in that virtual space, i am just reporting that i am allowing the heuristic tunings in to take place in a natural way, like the mother or midwife who gets prepared for the delivery…i have to keep breathing naturally, so that i can ‘push’ when the time comes…breath in…breath out…and allowing the final parts take form into a whole that will decide when ready to come to the world

I have been working towards producing the first draft of the whole of my PhD thesis for a while now…i am now writing the final chapter, not easy at all as it includes the various implications of my research, in ‘bolder’ terms – it requires that i am quite specific in my writing style at this section. It is the ‘mature’ phase of the ongoing and time-consuming meaning making process.  I then need to put it all together and start serious editing (!). I saw my supervisor today and we set specific goals according specific time deadlines that i shall aim for – i shall remain focus and look after my well-being too, given that my paid-work commitments take a lot of time too.  He seemed quite pleased with my progress but we cannot predict much yet, till both supervisors have a whole draft of my thesis to read thoroughly and set a meeting for feedback. I am struggling with holding the tension between staying with the demands of the ‘here-and-now’ of the process and all the hard work that there is still to do and visualing the ending point of completion: i feel anxious, excited, motivated, scared and impatient – all feelings together!

I have managed to complete another chapter of my thesis (literature) within the deadline set between myself and my supervisor.  I just came back from supervision, where we discussed the draft of my chapter. I was pleased to hear his view about the quality of my writing; we went through the chapter together and discussed some critical points about the choices i have made. He has some useful suggestions that would improve this chapter, such as do some cleared signposting of the subheadings and include a summary at the end.

I have now completed drafts of all chapters of the thesis, apart from the Introduction and the Conclusion. The next target is to attempt to write those 2 chapters by around end of February time, in which case i will have a full draft of the thesis. The plan after that will be that both my supervisors read the full draft and suggest what is required so that the thesis comes together. If all goes well, i will be able to submit in late spring or early summer. The submission date is still unpredictable, until we have a full draft of the thesis. I am feeling very tired at the moment and i also have the commitments of my P/T teaching job but i am making all effort required to keep focused, healthy and complete the tasks. I also hold a lot of questions and uncertainty around my future, post phd…but it is best to focus on the here-and-now as it is quite demanding! This is my helpful mantra for now: STAY IN THE HERE-AND-NOW!

I have been struggling in my writing with the idea that a PhD chapter cannot get to a stage of completion or coherence in order to move to a next one, i seem to start and stop several writings at the same time, having to return to them numerous times too and getting frustrated with the feeling of  costant ‘incomplteteness’ that fills me with anxiety…that state of ‘flux’ and ‘limbo’ is of course a central theme in the whole phenomenon i am exploring and in the research process.

I went to see my supervisor, seeking his guidance for me to move away from that kind of ‘trap’. And here he came talking to me about this being a natural process that is best to accept and embrace than resist, something that he describes with a new english word for me: ITERATION. This is apparently a concept used in Maths and Computer Programming to describe “the act of repeating a process usually with the aim of approaching a desired goal or target or result”. So, i was advised that, at this stage of my attempt to draft a whole of a PhD Thesis, i need to have the patience and useful attitude to be ‘repeating’ parts of the process or move around several parts and constantly add the changes that emerge through the process of writing, till reaching a point that the thesis will ‘hand together’ as a good enough whole. That has been happening anyway in all my projects of academic writing so far…but, i am now taking a new, grounded stance of acceptance and embrace for it…encouraging myself for all these ‘re-visits’ upon my text…till i complete…and, as it is usually true for the therapy process: “a client is ready to complete therapy when he/she realised that it can actually go on for ever”…so, there is the broader issue here about creativity and finding one’s way to express it, knowing that there are several attempts till producing something that sits comfortable…and, although that can be on-going, there is also a point that the writing will have to stop, and that will be ok, at least for the purposes of a PhD

Toway we had the first group supervision session for the new academic year…i really feel restless now with the PhD, i want to complete and move to the next phase of my life. At the same time, i know i will miss the group here and also, there are many decisions to be made BUT…i need to take things step by step and thesis writing shall be my priority. When it was time for my ’share’ today in the group, i showed them a short video i have prepared of myself speaking in front of a camera when interviewed for some project about two years ago, i call this video: “Speaking my Voice: Snapshots of my cross-cultural experience”. I discussed with my supervisor and the group about seeing this as a way of demonstrating the auto-ethnographic flavour of my research and they thought that it was very good idea, they enjoyed watching it (about 7.5 mins long) and in there, i reflect on some of the themes in the Thesis, it shows also my reflexivity. I also discussed my bit of concerns around ’self-exposure’ but in any case, there is a lot of ‘me’ in the thesis and my audience is not large anyway, i am now writing having the examiners in mind as my audience and reflecting on that. Will leave it there for now…so much writing still ahead but am kind of seeing the ‘end of the tunnel’, will get there!