Toway we had the first group supervision session for the new academic year…i really feel restless now with the PhD, i want to complete and move to the next phase of my life. At the same time, i know i will miss the group here and also, there are many decisions to be made BUT…i need to take things step by step and thesis writing shall be my priority. When it was time for my ’share’ today in the group, i showed them a short video i have prepared of myself speaking in front of a camera when interviewed for some project about two years ago, i call this video: “Speaking my Voice: Snapshots of my cross-cultural experience”. I discussed with my supervisor and the group about seeing this as a way of demonstrating the auto-ethnographic flavour of my research and they thought that it was very good idea, they enjoyed watching it (about 7.5 mins long) and in there, i reflect on some of the themes in the Thesis, it shows also my reflexivity. I also discussed my bit of concerns around ’self-exposure’ but in any case, there is a lot of ‘me’ in the thesis and my audience is not large anyway, i am now writing having the examiners in mind as my audience and reflecting on that. Will leave it there for now…so much writing still ahead but am kind of seeing the ‘end of the tunnel’, will get there!

we had our mid-summer, monthly group supervision yesterday and it was once again a very engaging morning. I am thinking to inlcude a 7.5 minutes video in my thesis, where i have collated some recordings from my participation in a project by UKCISA and in which i voice some of my experiences as a foreigner in the UK. I call it Speaking My Voice: Snapshots of my Cross-Cultural Experience – I wanted to show it to the PhD group and seek feedback but, the technology in William’s PC failed us! so, i will take my laptop with me next time to do that…Apart from that, i admit that i am generally tired and my productivity is affected by that. However, i know i just have to keep going and build the thesis little by little, trust myself and the process and believe that i will get there gradually. Today, i also saw William briefly on my own and had some discussions around some difficulties i face with Literature, due to the changing scene of counselling and psychotherapy on the professional front, due to the debate our regulation and so on. this matter is relevant to my research and if the world has not got the answers or has not reached an agreement yet, i also have to accept that i cant have such answers in my thesis, around the matter. Even that is in a state of flux, like many issue in my research topic anyway.

Writing is not easy. Having drafted my Findings, I set up to do the Discussion chapter and i soon found that i got
stuck, i have some good days and bad days, i kind of have a
blockage of words flow sometimes cause i think i need to have the juice of the research ready to be articulated…which is not easy, i need to THINK and UNDERSTAND and produce the NEW MEANINGS before i can write them…this is happening gradually. To overcome that and not waste precious time, i also started working on the Literature Review  and i found that maybe doing those 2 chapters parallel may be the way forward…that way, i have some sense of progress.  when i get stuck in the Discussion bit, i go into the Literature and write something there…then, something i have read there kind of helps me write something in the Discussion….it is like the two wheels of the same bike. My supervisor has been advising me to proceed by trial-and-error and find out what works for me so that is ok. also, i have sent my findinsg draft to my 2nd supervisor and expecting some feedback from her….my progress feels very slow but i am trying to stick with it and respect my natural flow, writing needs inspiration, heuristic process needs time to reveal its seeds and can’t be forced so, although the clock is ticking, i trust that i am doing the best i can.  I am generally feeling  tired which means i need some holiday too, even if it for a week, i will see what i can do in August, depending how my writing goes and my energy levels. I feel supported by the fact that other PhD students i talk to feel in a similar way at this stage…

I had supervision with William today to discuss the drfat chapter of my findings (emailed to him last week) and also the steps forward. Writing my thesis is work in progress, i realise that it is a process of writing and re-writing, constant editing and so on. I need to try and draft the whole thesis before seeing what ‘works’ and what does not. It is as if you are a sculptor and need to have some sort of shape first before making lines more fine or smoothing the edges and so on.

W. advised me to move into the discussion chapter. It is noy easy to imagine the shape of it and i have been contemplating on the subheadings. I see that it is appropriate to approach the subject as a whole. I have some observations that are useful:

1. there is a broad theme of transition and splitting and a process of transcendence, characterised by resilience

2. liminality is also a core process in my research. there seem to be different levels of being liminal that applies to me and the participants: feeling liminal at a personal/existential level and chosing to move abroad due to that, being liminal by making oneself a foreigner/ a migrant and the liminality that is inherent in the choice of becoming and practising as a therapist (the liminality of the profession itself)

3. we also talked about  the presence of fear and the challenge of that through the courage for mobility and stepping out of one’s comfort zone, as tied up in dynamics of power that exist at different levels in my research

I keep those in mind and will approach writing this chapter seeking what undeprins them with the implications for the profession and future research in mind. Not having much clarity yet but i know that this will come in the writing itself, through a trial-error attitude that reveals what is meaningful and what not.

During the last 2 group supervision sessions with our PhD group, i have explored in more depth the process of ‘creative synthesis’ i am into in terms of the heuristic journey. I have been writing the findings chapter for quite a while now and i am at a stage of inspiration around meaning-making and how all the material can be presented in a creative way, as a whole. A number of poems have occured to me that are relevant to core themes in my thesis and also a number of metaphors and images that seem to act as ‘vehicles’  or ‘containers’  of meaning, ways of unblocking what was stuck or without words. Sharing those process with my supervisor and the research group has been so useful, it feels a safe place to expore and find ways forward. I have a central metaphor now that i need to write that connects me to my own heritage and it seems to make sense in what has gone through this research. I feel reluctant to share it publicly now in here as i want it to take full form first. Also, in a kind of synchronistic way, a fellow researcher has asked me to co-present with her on the forthcoming research conference at our University about The Use of Metaphor in the Research Process which i know will be very useful at this stage. I am experimenting with the power  of  my authorship and rhetoric with different audiences and that sharpens my reflexivity even further…i am in deep process, and thankfully, havent ‘lost my marbles’ in all that (new English phrase i have learnt today)!!!