I have started working on the Discussion chapter this week, trying to be more focused. I have not been sure where to start from and how to flow in my thinking since the meaning-making process is still taking place, it is not crystallised yet…maybe it can’t be. I write in a ‘patchwork’ sort of mode, a few paragraphs here and there, without cohesion at first, just trying to put some ideas on paper when they come in my mind and think of some headings for this chapter etc etc. I realise that there is a shift in my mode of being and thinking: so far, the research has been mostly ‘doing things to me’. Now that i have to discuss my research and find ways of expressing my ‘contribution to knowledge’ as a result of doing it, it is me that needs to take a more active role (not that i have been any passive but my immersion has had huge impact in my lived experience)….now it is me that needs to make an impact, to find the gems of what i have been exploring and looking for, like when one finds the ‘diamond’ in the mud and work needs to be done to bring it out, it all its shining…so,  having realised that new way of  needing to approachmy writing now, ‘the penny dropped’ in some way…but, there is yet another transition taking place in that shift, it is yet another liminal space and am IN it now…things sometimes feel as if one is trying to ‘catch water in a net’…i trust that i will find a flow for this chapter too, i keep going…keep walking…the journey continues…

I had supervision with William today to discuss the drfat chapter of my findings (emailed to him last week) and also the steps forward. Writing my thesis is work in progress, i realise that it is a process of writing and re-writing, constant editing and so on. I need to try and draft the whole thesis before seeing what ‘works’ and what does not. It is as if you are a sculptor and need to have some sort of shape first before making lines more fine or smoothing the edges and so on.

W. advised me to move into the discussion chapter. It is noy easy to imagine the shape of it and i have been contemplating on the subheadings. I see that it is appropriate to approach the subject as a whole. I have some observations that are useful:

1. there is a broad theme of transition and splitting and a process of transcendence, characterised by resilience

2. liminality is also a core process in my research. there seem to be different levels of being liminal that applies to me and the participants: feeling liminal at a personal/existential level and chosing to move abroad due to that, being liminal by making oneself a foreigner/ a migrant and the liminality that is inherent in the choice of becoming and practising as a therapist (the liminality of the profession itself)

3. we also talked about  the presence of fear and the challenge of that through the courage for mobility and stepping out of one’s comfort zone, as tied up in dynamics of power that exist at different levels in my research

I keep those in mind and will approach writing this chapter seeking what undeprins them with the implications for the profession and future research in mind. Not having much clarity yet but i know that this will come in the writing itself, through a trial-error attitude that reveals what is meaningful and what not.

During the last 2 group supervision sessions with our PhD group, i have explored in more depth the process of ‘creative synthesis’ i am into in terms of the heuristic journey. I have been writing the findings chapter for quite a while now and i am at a stage of inspiration around meaning-making and how all the material can be presented in a creative way, as a whole. A number of poems have occured to me that are relevant to core themes in my thesis and also a number of metaphors and images that seem to act as ‘vehicles’  or ‘containers’  of meaning, ways of unblocking what was stuck or without words. Sharing those process with my supervisor and the research group has been so useful, it feels a safe place to expore and find ways forward. I have a central metaphor now that i need to write that connects me to my own heritage and it seems to make sense in what has gone through this research. I feel reluctant to share it publicly now in here as i want it to take full form first. Also, in a kind of synchronistic way, a fellow researcher has asked me to co-present with her on the forthcoming research conference at our University about The Use of Metaphor in the Research Process which i know will be very useful at this stage. I am experimenting with the power  of  my authorship and rhetoric with different audiences and that sharpens my reflexivity even further…i am in deep process, and thankfully, havent ‘lost my marbles’ in all that (new English phrase i have learnt today)!!!

i am voraciously reading, parallel to my writing, and since i do so, i decided that doing book reviews on what i am reading on is another way of reflecting on my readings, get it published and have the benefits of getting the book for free! ( i have already done 10 book reviews on topics of my research and practice in the past years, which has proved useful to me). The ones i am working on now are on the following titles, to be publised after the summer:

1. Romanyshyn, R. D. (2005) The Wounded Researcher: Research with Soul in Mind. Louisiana: Spring Journal Books

2. Speedy, J. (2008) Narrative Inquiry and Psychotherapy. Palgrave MacMillan

3. Liotta, E. (2008) On Soul and Earth: the Psychic Value of Place. London Routledge

I intend to make a link in the blog with all the book reviews on pdf, will come later…happy reading!

It has been a long time now that i am trying to write and constantly manoeuvre the findings chapter of my thesis, it is like driving a big van where you need to have awareness of its size and its edges without really being able to see them. I realise that the analysis and the writing are two activities that happen simultaneously. My methodology and particular research process has not got clear-cut steps of analysis (like in grounded theory for example) and sometimes this makes me feel on edge about what i am doing. On the other hand, the more i get into doing what i keep doing intuitively and the more i read about how others did a similar process, it all feels right somehow, although quite stressful. It is again the whole reaction to the unknown and the surrendering to the process. I have been doing it for so long now, i am kind of not that scared of the deep sea, i am a good ’swimmer’. It is just that it is exhausting and i find that i need to be sleeping longer hours, as if my body and mind need to switch off…and then, more dreams come in my sleep, so not much ‘escape’ really! i am now more comfortable with the idea that this journey is to be taken very consciously and i see how i transform in the way that i am reflecting on things, the researcher in me keeps maturing and growing…and the practitioner too, i see how sharp i am with supervising the Diploma students at work. The whole process is so eloquently discussed by my supervisor in his 2005 book, where he calls it ‘inner data analysis’; i have been reading this section again and i am re-visiting the writing of the findings chapter, still a lot to do, still decisions to be made there, i try things and see if they make sense, my meaning-making process is quite deep at present…i immerse, incubate, illuminate, explicate and so on, all over again, variosu times, the whole research process has its own temperament and mood – i try to respect the natural flow but also remain disciplines, as much as i can, whilst looking after myself with short breaks or nurturing treats (good food, sleep, going for a walk, seeing friends, dance, exercise)